Books for Dudes: The Secrets of Stellar Fathering Revealed
By Douglas Lord Jun 2, 2011I consider myself a decent dad to my two nubbins. Clean clothes, lots of steamed broccoli, no cigarettes (we go smokeless with chewing tobacco). But it's hard. My daughter, 14, has discovered cute boys. And I recently found out that my wee son, only ten, showers with no clothes on. He's in there soaking wet and nude.
Both discoveries confronted me with the possibility that my own children might someday grow up. And while I have the RFID ear tags ready for when they turn 18 and I release them into the wild, I am certainly not ready to contemplate them all adult and becoming nude just for fun.
I held a family meeting and strongly suggested that they hold off on the whole nudity idea until after I am dead for five years, but it was going nowhere. And they wouldn't sign off on the paperwork. So I had bubkes.
My knowledge base of parenting books gave me a lot of awesome, but for the over PG-13 stuff, I turned to my fellow BookSmack! columnist Martha Cornog, who won LJ's 2001 Nonfiction Reviewer of Year Award for her clear-eyed coverage of sex manuals. Her suggestions, pure greatness, are below. And check out the always engaged work of Julianne J. Smith, BookSmack!'s "Parenting Short Takes" columnist.
Ashley, Steven with Philip S. Hall. The Long Distance Dad: How You Can Be There for Your Child-Whether Divorced, Deployed, or on the Road. Adams Media. 2008. 256p. bibliog. index. ISBN 9781598694413. pap. $12.95. CHILD REARING
Written for fathers who are deployed, working in a different city, or otherwise doing the best they can whilst far from their kids, this book refreshingly lacks the usual chastisements and predictions of dire consequences for "failing" to do right by the children. Ashley, who founded the Divorced Father's Network, instead assumes that dads have the best intentions and maintains a positive but realistic focus throughout. For example, he acknowledges the financial burden frequently carried by long-distance dads and "that sadness can be expressed as anger toward the child's mother or toward life in general." One helpful caution is against becoming a "Disneyland dad," who entertains instead of parents. That's not to say you can't have a blast watching movies together, though, as Ty Burr recommends in The Best Old Movies for Families: A Guide to Watching Together.
Bernstein, Neil with Brooke Lea Foster. There When He Needs You: How To Be an Available, Involved, and Emotionally Connected Father to Your Son. Free Pr: S. & S. 2008. 256p. index. ISBN 9781416560739. $25. CHILD REARING
Dadding is easy; being a good dad is hard. Being a model father to your son approaches Superman-level heroics. It involves connecting physically and emotionally with your boy. Like a master builder using the right gizmo at the right time, a striving father needs his toolbox stocked with intellectual and sensitivity tools so he's ready for anything. Too many guys take notes from the wife, and in the process they become backup moms rather than real dads. Psychologist Bernstein (frequently confused with Papa Bear Berenstain) masterfully articulates men's desire for competence in fatherhood and also gives voice to the frustrations we feel when floundering in uncharted territory. Instead of explaining ad nauseam the deep psychological underpinnings of This Modern Male Condition, Dr. B. instead gives readers just enough backed up with plenty of concrete steps to do better. There are also quick, real-life scenarios that men will relate to. Useful for young families and also for adult son/older father setups.
Garvin, James P. Learning How To Kiss a Frog: Advice for Those Who Work with Pre- and Early Adolescents. rev. ed. New England League of Middle Schools. 1997. 74p. ISBN 9780984256105. pap. $12. CHILD REARING
Garvin, a professional educator, must be a grandpa because he sure writes like one. He calls kids "youngsters,"' uses exclamation marks (!) and CAPITALIZATION to emphasize points, and is generally a bit hokey. Unfortunately, Garvin proved immune to my withering mental stylistic criticisms, so I abandoned my persnicketiness and found a thoughtful, gentle book that is considerate of teens. Garvin characterizes 11- to 15-year-olds as onetime princes and princesses turned by adolescence into frogs-"long legs, greasy, awkward, and never, seemingly knowing where they are going." As in the fairy tale, though, these frogs will, in their own sweet time, eventually turn back into creatures we can better understand. While they slump, sleep, and narcissistically ignore us, our job is to help them through this stressful period of "critical physical, intellectual, social, and emotional development" by kissing them. Patience, consideration, and kindness are all part of Grampy Garvin's wisdom, and it's nice to hear it from such an obviously concerned educator.
Kazdin, Alan E. The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills. Houghton Harcourt. 2008. 304p. index. ISBN 9780618773671. $26. CHILD REARING
The Kazdin method is the father of all sticker charts, emphasizing "small rewards that can be earned daily." "Correct" behaviors are eventually linked to positive outcomes (aka pleasing the parent). It's like when I write a good paragraph: a little food pellet comes out of a slot in the wall. Kazdin's straightforward examples of the rewards system at work cover damn near any situation. Every behavior the parent observes the child doing "right" (e.g., putting grass snakes down the back of mommy's shirt) earns the child points. As the behavior grows fully modified, rewards are removed, and the praise, while muted, remains. Praise in that one area bleeds over into other areas of the child's life as success mounts, and soon the child forms the link between "correct/appropriate" behavior and praise-sans a tangible reward. Then it's time for the snake BBQ.
Louv, Richard. Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder. Algonquin. 2008. 390p. bibliog. index. ISBN 9781565126053. pap. $14.95. CHILD REARING
The upshot of this dense, readable, fascinating, convincing book-Stay away from nature! Nature is bad! Don't be the Last Child in the Woods because Nature's gonna get you! JK. Louv posits outdoor time-hiking, frog gigging, messing around near sinkholes-as the antidote to "nature deficit disorder," which is sort of like cabin fever 2.0. Whilst tubing last summer, me and the family saw a heron, a bajillion crawfish, and some schooling carp as we swam, shouted, splashed each other, and got all tired and slept superhard that night. While this book presents great supportive research about why that's good, the point is, it was fun. Louv and me, we're good together. Anti-TV, proexercise. Antilittering, proplay. Antidoping, prowrestling. To be sure, Louv is zealous with passion that causes him to occasionally harp and veer all over the map quoting social science-y talk and expert opinions. But the message is powerful and positive. Once you know the benefits that come from grounding your kids in nature, you'll do like me and routinely lock them out of the house for days at a time.
Sheehy, Harry with Danny Peary. Raising a Team Player: Teaching Kids Lasting Values on the Field, on the Court and on the Bench. Storey. 2002. 160p. ISBN 9781580174473. $14.95.
The older my sporty kids get, the more I understand how incredible a good coach is. Good coaches are hard to find. These are not people who just teach technical skills; these folks insist that athletes respect themselves and others, be stand-up community members, and play to the best of their abilities (which is radically different than winning the game). They fill kids with positivity instead of tearing them down. Sheehy seems to be one of them, and this is his sincere and workmanlike attempt to bridge the family and team cultures. He covers the values (e.g., strong work ethic) and characteristics (e.g., passion) of champions and how parents can reinforce them off the field. Sports evoke powerful emotions; I'm not saying freaking out over the Red Sox is right, but it sure is real. Your kid loves the game, but win, lose, or draw, make sure you take 'em for ice cream after.
Young People Mature Even When You Don't Want Them To
After reading one of Martha's choicest sentences, "Do you know if your daughter has started her period yet?" I threw up. After chomping on some gum, I read on. "For your daughter, I have several book suggestions. Be aware that there is no one-size-fits-all with these. I don't mean fits the kid-reader but fits the PARENTS. You need to preview books and decide what comes closest to what YOU want her to read, given her age and personality and life history. And, yeah, I do take these things seriously. Books change lives and all that, you know." Good advice. Now read her reviews and pass the gum.
Corinna, Heather. S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide To Get You Through High School and College. Da Capo. 2007. 332p. illus. bibliog. index. ISBN 9781600940101. pap. $17.95. SEXUALITY/SELF-HELP
Corinna, founder/editor of Scarleteen.com, sets sexual pleasure at the center of this comprehensive guide while incorporating the full range of safety and life planning-type concerns repeatedly and in some detail. Particularly useful is a section about what sex is (not just p-in-v friction) as well as a sexual readiness checklist. While the book focuses more on sexuality than on bodies as such, a great deal about body health and maintenance is included. An outstanding resource section offers both print and online information. Note that the progressive approach honoring a wide range of orientations and experiences may limit appeal in libraries with conservative clientele. In her glowing review, LJ's Deborah Bigelow termed this "excellent."
McCoy, Kathy & Charles Wibbelsman, M.D. The Teenage Body Book. rev ed. Hatherleigh. 2008. 300p. index. ISBN 9781578262779. pap. $17.95. SEXUALITY/SELF-HELP
This generously sized reference work was originally published in 1979 and covers nearly everything body-wise and health-wise that teens of any sex might want or need to know. The highly cautionary approach will doubtless appeal to adult readers but may leave teens overwhelmed by the variety of life areas and health areas that seem to need constant vigilance. Notably missing is why sex-related activity is or should be pleasurable and what to do when it isn't. No list of print resources; only lists of hotlines and selected websites (none about sex as such). Best used as a ready reference for individual questions and for overviews about specific areas like puberty changes, STDs, or contraception. An earlier edition was an ALA Best Book for Young Adults.
Redd, Nancy Amanda. Body Drama. Gotham. 2008. 272p. photogs. bibliog. index. ISBN 9781592403264. pap. $20. SELF-HELP/BEAUTY
This comprehensive and detailed description of normal variations in body development affecting teen girls is delivered in chummy but accurate girl-girl lingo that makes for enjoyable reading. Numerous photos of real teens show a range of shapes and characteristics, from skin and toenails to breasts and genital areas, and the text describes symptoms to watch out for and when to see a doctor as well as the wide range of "normal." Redd offers numerous tips you might want but probably won't get from a savvy girlfriend or mom, like how to improvise a leak-proof emergency sanitary pad out of toilet paper. Also included: contraception and STD/safe sex information, although no sexual techniques. Content has been vetted by a physician specializing in adolescent health. A great find for YA collections to counter the unrealistic, hyper-perfect bodies in the media. Note that the nonsexual nude photos, including small color close-ups of vulvas, may raise a few eyebrows. A YALSA 2010 Popular Paperback for Young Adults.
Extra Credit Part I
To take a break from all the superdadding and my-kid-as-sexual-being stuff, I turn to Kid Stuff here. My fifth grader son is my soul mate (sorry, Melissa Gilbert, please stop calling me). Cracks me up all day long. Fart jokes, snot jokes, Sponge Bob, Peter Serafiniwicz, Marx Brothers, Phineas & Ferb. The fifth-grade mindset is elite. I owe him the best I can give, but from day to day "best" is a moving target, and we both need to be patient, realistic, and communicative.
Bozzo, Linda. Gross Body Jokes To Tickle Your Funny Bone. Enslow Elementary. 2011. 48p. illus. ISBN 9780766035409. $21.26.
Dahl, Michael & others. Knock Your Socks Off: A Book of Knock-Knock Jokes. Super Funny Joke Bks./Picture Window Bks. 2010. 80p. illus. ISBN 9781404863712. pap. $6.95.
Heimberg, Justin & David Gomberg. Gross Out: Over 300 Crazy Questions Plus Extra Pages To Make Up Your Own! Seven Footer Pr., dist. by Perseus. 2008. 184p. ISBN 9781934734117. pap. $9.95.
Like Randy Horn's You Gotta Be Kidding!: The Crazy Book of "Would You Rather" Questions, this book provides hours-I'm not kidding, HOURS-of fun. Would you rather eat an earwax omelet or a hair sandwich? Would you rather have a best friend who repeats everything you say or one who hums constantly? Would you rather read the book or read a little review by a guy who seemed to enjoy the book? We have this in the car and use it on trips. We ask the questions in different voices. We give serious thought to issues, e.g., having 12 fingers or toes (fingers, definitely) and either swimming across a freezing cold river or a pool that has "a lot" of pee in it. Each little question generally has some discussion points, so you find out that pee is relatively sterile for a while after it exits the body. Making the choice, of course, the pee-filled pool.
Robers, David. Pick Me Up: Stuff You Need To Know. DK Children's. 2009. 352p. ISBN 9780756655334. pap. $19.99.
Imaginatively designed and absorbing, this tome is a new fangled encyclopedia, just way funner. It presents a topic and then branches off from it, like the entry on trees leads to areas like insects and family trees. So it hops, skips, and jumps around with purpose but logic that's more Ranganathanian than, uh, Aristotelian? Bivalent? Man, I don't know, but you can sure browse it. Eye-catching illustrations and photos are perhaps designed with boys in mind, and I don't think I know anyone who wouldn't get engrossed in this. Excellent coffee-table bookery.
Saunders-Smith, Gail & Judy A. Winter. Jokes About Sports. Pebble Bks/Capstone Pr. 2011. 24p. illus. ISBN 9781429652704. $20.65.
MOFO*: Gothic Stores To Scare Your Stupid Ass
It's a dark and stormy night, you're home alone. Rain sheets the windows, your cell phone's battery just died, but that's OK; you've settled into a comfy chair with a mug of tea and one of these gothic creepfests. Soon your tea is cold, and you have to pee on yourself because you're too scared to move one inch from under the protection of your blanket. You are freaked out and small.
Irwin, Stephen M. The Dead Path. Anchor: Random. 2012. 384p. ISBN 9780307739568. pap. $15. FIC
I couldn't put this scary-ass book down, literally; the cover seeps super glue. They say Walt Disney had a simple method: get the audience comfortable, then bring out the witch. Well, Irwin's witch is one mean demon, and he also lets readers care just a little too much about characters before he snuffs 'em out. The story follows a sick-of-life Australian widower, Nicholas, who has the balls to follow his creepy second-sight visions to wherever they lead. Where would that be? Oooh, how about crawling through a culvert jam-packed with spiders? "The first few feet weren't so bad, but he felt the give of spiny things crushing under his hand and under his knees. As he went deeper, so became the bed of fallen spiders." Nicky finds unlikely allies in a ten-year-old girl and an Indian cleric. Characters are grounded enough to be real, the plot keeps moving, and the book is full of wow/yeesh images: "Clouds, heavy as slate and swollen like the underbellies of diseased beasts."
King, Stephen. The Shining. Pocket: S. & S. 2001. 704p. ISBN 9780743424424. pap. $8.99. FIC
If you've already read it or seen the Stanley Kubrick-directed film, it's mezza mezza in terms of freak-outage. Both filmic and codex versions are unpleasant, unsetting, and scary without being extremely gory, and both can be enjoyed for what they are: variations on the gothic ghost story. Jack Torrance, recovering alcoholic and inveterate aspirin chewer, is trying to get his life back on track and takes a job caretaking a monstrous old haunted hotel. He drags his skinny wife and REDRUM muttering five-year-old son along. After some wasp stings, games of roque, and a brief, entertaining descent into gibbering insanity, it doesn't end well. King draws you into the internal world of the three characters and you see, wow, no family is perfect. Sometimes dads gets infected with homicidal mania. Sometimes kids develop the clairvoyant ability to communicate with Scatman Crothers. Sometimes old buildings are haunted by child-molesting imaginary harpies. And sometimes a mom looks like Shelly Duval. Also, the Simon & Schuster Audio book, narrated by Campbell Scott, is good, too.
Lucia, Kevin. Hiram Grange and the Chosen One: The Scandalous Misadventures of Hiram Grange. Shroud Pub. 2010. 178p. ISBN 9780982727508. $7.99. FIC
This seems like it could be a graphic novel what with the goopy, gory, grizzly, bloody monster battles and gunplay and explosions. And the creepy bits are quite reminiscent of Ben Templesmith's graphic novel Wormwood, Gentleman Corpse Birds, Bees, Blood & Beer. But it's a novella (that's French for "le teeny novel"), fourth in a series. Readers aren't missing anything by skipping the first three books, though I definitely want to find them. Also, they won't care that Hiram is a bit of a cipher (part shut-in, part Webley revolver-wielding-007-killer-guy) because the action is fast. HG is tasked with the usual thing we all get on Monday mornings: assassinate this hot chick in order to save the universe. Needless to say, the universe gets flushed right down the dumper, and plot twists accommodate Hiram's capacity to mangle any job. Characters include an archrival evil queen in a Barbie body and bloated, slimy tentacled beasts from The Abyss. "With a wrenching abdominal thrust, Hiram hacked up mucous and maggots. More things were still inside him, though, slithering down his throat."
Extra Credit Part II: Parenting Books Dads Need off Half.com Because They Went Out of Print
O'Shea, Kevin & James Windell. The Fatherstyle Advantage: Surefire Techniques Every Parent Can Use To Raise Confident and Caring Kids. Stewart, Tabori & Chang. 2006. 208p. ISBN 9781584794776. pap. $14.95.
"Fatherstyle" refers to those innately awesome skillz that dads use to raise innately awesome kidz. The premise is simple-dads are way cooler to play with, and since "[p]lay is a child's means of connecting with the world," the better a dad can do it, the better the kid turns out. Play of all types involves calculated risks, experimentation, teamwork, soloing, rules, and limits. Play is a process that changes as the child grows and dads are awesome at showing kids the ropes. Real-life anecdotes explore and label some fatherskills, e.g., that, within limits, "risk-taking is developmentally healthy." The authors articulate a fair amount of high-level research quite effectively, and it's important to note that the tone encourages harmony between sexes, not competition. Readers will be relieved at being portrayed as competent, committed folk who "face many unique challenges against the backdrop of rapid social change."
Walsh, David. No: Why Kids-of All Ages-Need To Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It. Free Pr: S. & S. 2007. 288p. ISBN 9780743289177. $23.
American parents say "yes" so often that, of course, our kids are screeching brats. "The word 'no' itself is not important," writes Joe's brother. "The concept of no is. You can say 'no' in many positive ways." As good a critique of American parenthood as this is, it is a better primer. Parents will learn that children are happier with limits, better able to modulate their own behavior, and to tell themselves "no" when the time comes. Walsh's plain language pulls few punches; "kids need to figure things out for themselves," not be drowned by helicopter parents. "Kids need some stress to develop their psychological muscles of resilience, stamina, determination, commitment, confidence, diligence, and perseverance." Walsh's list of dos and donts at chapter ends are phenomenal (like, rip-out-of-the-book worthy), tools that every parent will find helpful. Advice often comes in the form of real-life examples drawn from many stages of kid lives.
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